Week 16 NFL Picks

And in the 16th week the Lord said, let there be no Thursday Night Football.

With no football on Thursday night that should give me an extra day to make my picks, but there is a chance the world will end before then and I couldn’t bear to deprive you of both your existence and one last chance to read my mediocre NFL picks, tired jokes, and half-assed analysis. So it’s time to string together some picks for the second to last week of the regular season.

On the plus, I will end with a winning record if the world explodes, or reverses polarity, or releases the dogs on us, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at us; or whatever it is the Mayans think will happen. Of course in that case I can only assume these games will end up being played in whatever post-apocalyptic hell we find ourselves in on Sunday.

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 109-107-8
Lock of the Week: 7-8

Home team in CAPS

Falcons (-3.5) over LIONS
Sign of the apocalypse: The Lions lost to Ryan Lindley last week. No other argument is needed to pick against them.

Titans (+12.5) over PACKERS
Green Bay really doesn’t blow teams out; it’s just not something that they are into. They outgained the Bears by 201 yards and only won by eight.

PANTHERS (-8.5) over Raiders
Sign of the apocalypse 2: Carolina is favored by more than a touchdown AND they are the safer choice.

DOLPHINS (-4.5) over Bills
Sign of the apocalypse 3: Somehow Miami still has a chance to make the playoffs. It took a lot of playing with the playoff scenario generator for me to figure out how. But here it is, obviously the Dolphins have to win out (which means beating the Pats next week). Also, the Bengals have to lose out, Pittsburgh has to lose to Cleveland in Week 17 and the Jets must lose one of their two final games. Simple! They are practically in.

STEELERS (-3.5) over Bengals
Pittsburgh looks nothing like a playoff team right now, so obviously they’ll make the playoffs.

Patriots (-14.5) over JAGUARS
First reaction should be always bet on a double digit underdog at home. Then you look and see the Jags have lost five games at home by 17 points or more.

Colts (-7) over CHIEFS

Lock of the Week
The crazy thing about the Chiefs statistical awfulness – last year’s Rams were worse. Every time I see the Chiefs I think to myself, I don’t know if there has ever been a worse team, but it seems as if there was a team just as bad last year. I will say in the Chiefs favor that they are way better at turning the ball over than last year’s Rams were, so they’ve got that going for them.

Saints (+3) over COWBOYS
Let’s go wishful thinking! Show me last week’s Saints and not the Saints from the three weeks before that!

EAGLES (+6.5) over Redskins
Every Redskins fan instinct in my body says to be afraid, so that’s what I’m doing.

BUCCANEERS (-3) over Rams
Tampa can’t be as bad as they looked last week. Not sure anyone can be that bad (except the Chiefs).

Giants (-2.5) over RAVENS
Really want to pick the Ravens as a home underdog here, but don’t you just see the Giants somehow making the playoffs?

Vikings (+7.5) over TEXANS
Not ready to bet on anyone to beat Adrian Peterson by more than a touchdown right now. He has achieved some sort of demigod status for the moment.

Chargers (+2.5) over JETS
Greg McElroy is starting for the Jets and we are inching closer to seeing Tim Tebow cuss someone out.

Browns (+13) over BRONCOS
Do people in Cleveland still hate the Broncos for the AFC Championship in the 1980s? I would assume that they do.

CARDINALS (+5.5) over Bears
I know that Arizona is terrible and I know that the chances of Ryan Lindley winning back-to-back NFL games have to be about as good as the chances that I become a Lothario, but is there any reason to bet on the Bears right now?

SEAHAWKS (+1) over 49ers
Seattle is an absolute beast at home. They’ve beaten the Packers and Patriots and crushed everyone else they’ve played at CenturyLink Field; not betting against them now.